My father often said “there is no there there” about any celebrity he found dull

I thought it was funny but harsh

Who has a there ? I know that I am still trying to find mine

A boy in my middle school class was going around roasting people for fun, when he came to me he looked quizzical, searching for ideas. He ended up saying something like “isn’t much to roast, you’re just there”. I would have much preferred to be called fat or gay or stupid like the other kids. 

I later found out he had a crush on me. 

Maybe he just hadn’t wanted to insult me, but perhaps he liked that there wasn’t any there. 

By sixth grade I had stopped caring about what I liked and began focusing more on being liked.

I hoped my lack of mockable traits was an asset this boy had liked.

I hardly went my freshman year.

I had good friends, I liked my school, but something wasn’t enough for me and I ended up panicking at home for my first year of high school. 

After the year had passed I was involved in what might be my only taste of high school drama. I was removed from a group chat that I never responded to because one person said “I was barely there” A lot of my friends defended me but I remember being intently uninterested. The removal didn’t upset me. Neither did the words, they were right.

I had barely been there. And I noticed there was no there when I was 

It isn’t even a particularly traumatic part of my 9th grade experience. If anything, this conflict is a section I look upon fondly. 

I thought my strength was to make myself so palatable, so plain, that no one could possibly be upset by my presence or lack thereof. But still someone was. 

I was removed because I wasn’t there.